Thursday, April 16, 2009

Introspect

Why do people think so much? Why do I think so much?

Well, this afternoon, I've finally answered the second question. Why do I think so much?

I guess I think a lot about life and about my life because I want to convince myself that I'm a good person. Who doesn't want to be a good person? Well, I don't know about you but I sure do.

I guess I've not really lived the past 15 years of my life in the most fulfilling manner, or at least, in a fun way. I've spent most of my time well, slacking or dwelling needlessly on my problems. I'm an imperfect person. And well, though I see all my imperfections, I can't seem to clearly identify my talents or strength. As a result, I've been searching my past actions to dig out evidence of my strengths. And when i can't find that evidence, i find excuses to think about things more. Well, I haven't found much of the evidence i'd wanted. so yeah... Guess that has really taken it's toll in the past 3 years.

People often say that being a teenager is extremely difficult. I've even heard someone comment that even if he were paid a million dollars, he wouldn't relive his life as a teenager. The life of a teenager essentially revolves around one goal, that is, to find one's self. To realize our identity. People usually refer to this as understanding ourselves.

Now this process of understanding ourselves is not painless. Well, it may be to really optimistic people but generally, it's a painful process. Well, i guess we can say that the extent of the pain in directly proportionate to the degree of optimism a person has. The more optimistic one is, the less he suffers. That's how i understand it anyways.

Why is the process painful? Well, to understand ourselves, we are forced to see ourselves as we really are. All our strengths, imperfections, weaknesses, fears, desires laid bare. For some people, accepting their weaknesses, fears, and desires may not come easily.

Everyone wants to be a good person, our weakness makes us 'less good' in a sense. For example, a weakness such as not being resilient may lead a person to think that he is not as good as he is supposed to be. This is especially so in our society today. Well, at least in Singapore.

Teachers drill into us moral values and 'desirable' attributes. They basically give us a table with two columns headed, good traits and bad traits. For example, under the 'good traits' column we find: resilience, patience, perseverance, compassion. Inversely, under the 'bad traits', we find things like, thinking with our emotions, undisciplined, giving up easily, and being emotionally 'weak' eg. crying a lot.

Hence, students tend to think that if they possess the qualities under the 'good traits' column they are a good person because they have the qualities that they are supposed to have. If they don't possess them, well, they may think that they are an inferior person as they don't even have the traits that a person should have. Well, maybe it's just me but i think this is true.

So i guess being optimistic really helps to lessen the pain truth inflicts. Now another question comes to mind, why are some people optimistic and some pessimistic? Is it nature or nurture?

Well, I'm toot tired of blogging liao so I won't bother to ans tt question now. Maybe another time. So I'm trying my best to swallow the hard truth ~ i wasn't as strong as i had thought.

Posted by Claire at 9:02 PM

Monday, April 13, 2009

Alone

Well, now is the night before my SS and Bio test tmr. Yeah, I should be studying. And yes, I should have studied a little over the weekend. But... I tried my best. And if it's not enough I don't care. Cos yeah, I gave my best.

Well, I'm just feeling a little stressed now I guess. That's why I'm blogging. Guess sometimes in life we have to do things alone. Even if we have a million fans supporting us. Even if our best friend is sitting beside us. Even if, well, people are trying their best to make things easier for us. We have to face some things alone.

Well, I guess this is one of those times. Even though I know that my friends are supporting me, I'm the only one who can make myself study. No one is going to force me. No one is going to stuff the information into my head. It's just me, and my books. Yes, I'm grateful to the people who encouraged me tonight. They sure made a world of a difference. But... yes BUT. But the choice of whether I want to study or not still lies with me.

Studying for these two tests aren't easy. 2 chapters of Bio and a chapter of SS. They're all heavy chapters, mind you. But yeah. I must have the mental resilience to mug. I don't love mugging. And i don't want to love it. Studying isn't all there is to life. In the end... well, i guess almost everyone would agree to this... we wouldn't care about all the PHDs or certificates we achieved when we're already on our death bed. Well, at least I wouldn't.

I mean like come on people! The world is hurting! There's a lack of human rights in the Middle East, racial discrimination among mankind all over the world. WARS are being raged, physical, spiritual, and emotional. People are getting raped, children are getting aborted, humans are getting killed by their fellow humans. Who cares about certs at the end of the day? Do you want to leave your mark on this earth or not? Are we just going to be content with our own comfort and survival while others suffer? Or do you want to be the one to touch the lives of people. To reach out and make a difference? The earth needs healing. Who's going to be the one to heal it?

Just like we try our best in our studies... why not try our best to heal the world? The deeds that we do don't have to be great. For it is the little things that make up a great feat. Studies are just one of the many blessings bestowed upon us by God. So of course we must do our best. But if in the end we don't get the best results, it doesn't matter. Whatever the result we get is just another stepping stone to where God wants us to be.

Ahhh... ok... I'm just venting. Need to get back to studying.

LOVE passionately...
LIVE meaningfully...
PRAY fervently...

Posted by Claire at 10:44 PM