Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Burnt out...
I'm really stressed nowadays. Sometimes I push too many of my worries aside that I get a headache or I get a nervous breakdown when dealing with very simple things. I feel empty and there's a subtle sadness in my soul. One of my friends said to my once, "You are only 15. You're not supposed to be so sad."
After I heard her say tt, I though to myself, "That is so true. Is there something wrong with me?"
Well I'm not sure if there is but there has to be a reason tt I feel sad most of the time. Is it the external events around em tt causes me to be sad? Or is it the internal responses tt bring this feeling of hopelessness and misery?
There are not many things that i'm stressed about. I'm troubled that I'll not get closer to God. I'm worried that I'm disappoint lots of people in band. I'm anxious about my O levels. However, the first one is really important to me. The second has been haunting me for the past one year. I don't really care about the last one cos I want to work as a missionary in Africa when I grow up. I don't need prestigious degrees and stuff. And besides, my studies are quite stable.
Well I think that I'm a very idealistic person. I want everything to be ideal. I want my relationship with God to be strong. I want to be a perfect person who is understanding and mature. I want to get straight As for my Os. However, the problem with this mindset is tt not everything in this world is perfect. In fact, most things aren't. And when I don't attain my expectations, I get frustrated with myself thinking that i'm incapable.
I think that this is a very childish mindset. Well, not childish but certainly not mature. After thinking it over, I've decided that I want to work towards a mindset where I can forgive myself when I blunder and see the positive side in most "problems". I want to accept myself for who i am and not depend on the opinions of others for my self worth.
I'm not sure if i've heard this line from somewhere or someone before: It is only a problem when we make it one.
Well, the main reason of my stress these few days is tt I have many worries at the back of my mind but I don't have enough time to think them through. Well, I don't care about my work and revision now. I'm not sleeping till I talk myself through this emotional and mental crisis.
First things first. I've always been troubled by band. Ever since September in Sec 1, I've been going trough many emotional meltdowns because if it. But I think I've grown a lot since I've joined band. I feel like I'm being forced to grow rapidly in band. And no it's not the typical character growth like being more determined or developing perseverance. I've grown in many emotional aspects.
1.
I've learnt that what I think about myself is more important than what others think of me. I mean people come and go but I'm are the one that is going to live with... well... me for the rest of my life. And that's a really long time.
2.
I've learnt not to derive my self worth from the opinions of others. How can I let other people tell me how much I'm worth? It's just ridiculous.
3.
I've learnt that everyone has a right to feel what they are feeling.
4.
I've learnt that criticizing people doesn't solve anything. It just hurts people's pride and "inspires" them to defend themselves. It also make you lots of enemies. Ouch.
5.
I've learnt to hope for a better future. To always have a steady calm hope tt things would turn out better. It helps. But i've also learnt not to expect too much from a situation because the greater the hope, the greater the disappointment.
6.
I've learnt that passion is a very important part of a person's life. Each and every one of us would find our passion one day if we search for it. I will never forget what it feels like to watch Mr. Tan conduct. I could feel his strong passion for music emitting from his very being. It's a beautiful feeling.
7.
I've learnt how to be more thick skinned. (to not care what others think of me)
8.
I've learnt that we can't force someone to like a certain thing. Similarly, we can't force someone to do something. FREE WILL.
9.
I've learnt what true friends are. They are truly beautiful people who would accept you for who you are. They would stand by your side regardless of the situation. They listen to you vent or just talk about your sad times. They are happy for you in your glad times and feel for you in your sad ones. They are the ones who stand behind you, sometimes unseen, supporting you all the way. They don't tell you what to do. They advise you. They don't force their stands on you. They are always there for you.
So that's more or less what i've learnt from band. Of course I had to go through a lot of pain to learn these lessons but i have a feeling that they will stick with me through my life.
Someone said, "God doesn't always give you what you want, He gives you what you need."
I think this is true and I only recently started to realize that maybe God wanted to mold me into a better person with Band. I may not develop the qualities my teachers expect me to develop but I think I've learnt much more than what I expected myself to learn.
Of course there's a lot of things I still need to learn in life.
Something else came to me, "A prayer need not be something complex or noble. It just needs to be something from the heart."
Posted by Claire at 8:30 PM